Sales is Just Making Friends (Really)
Peter and I had one of those sidewalk epiphanies the other day while heading down to surf Sharks (yes, the name’s both terrifying and inspiring). We were talking about TED 2008 and whether it would be worth the $12,000 investment—if we could even get tickets.
Peter’s concern wasn’t just the learning; it was the ROI. Would we actually be able to drive business from something that’s more like an intellectual playground than a networking event?
As we walked, Peter asked, “How do we even bring up our elevator pitch at something like TED?” Good question. TED isn’t your typical tech or startup conference—it’s more of a learning orgy with brilliant misfits and big hearts.
I paused. Then it hit me:
“We don’t pitch. We just make friends.”
You meet people who are just as passionate about ideas, tech, and human connection as you are. People who can afford a $6,000+ ticket and a week in Monterey probably aren’t hurting for business cards. But if you connect? If you really get to know someone? You follow up later. That’s when business happens.
The Epiphany: Sales Is Making Friends
You can have the perfect elevator pitch. You can throw around power words like “which” and “optimization” and “scalable solutions.” But none of that matters if you don’t connect. If you don’t make a friend.
As my wife lovingly reminded me not long ago:
“Stop thinking so much about your business, and just try to have fun for goodness’ sake.”
I Wasn’t Always Good at This
You might not believe this now, but I was painfully shy growing up.
My freshman year at UC San Diego was rough. I’d just broken up with my girlfriend—who was also my only real friend—and despite being surrounded by 20,000 students, I had never felt more alone.
Every day, I’d grab my longboard, skate down to Blacks Beach, surf until dark, then hike up the cliffs and sit in the canyon watching Orion overhead. The warm wind would blow through the ridge, and I’d just sit and wonder:
Why am I so bummed out? Why can’t I connect with anyone?
Eventually, I made a commitment to myself:
I was going to figure out how to make friends—even if I had no idea how.
My Four-Month Crash Course in Being Human
Weeks 1–2: Eye Contact
I started watching confident, happy students. The first thing I noticed?
They looked people in the eye.
I’d always avoided that. It felt confrontational, or maybe I was afraid of being seen. So I set a simple goal:
Every walk between classes, make eye contact with one person.
Spoiler: it was awkward. People looked confused or weirded out. So I asked Becky—an acquaintance who later became a close friend—for some honest feedback.
Weeks 3–4: Smile
“You always look sad or super focused,” she said.
I told her I was actually feeling great.
She laughed: “Then you might want to notify your face.”
Touché.
Apparently, smiling is a thing, and I had to learn how. At first, my cheeks literally ached from using those unfamiliar muscles. If you had passed me that week, you’d have seen a tall, barefoot, long-haired guy awkwardly transitioning from grimace to half-smile, looking like he was being slimed by the green ghost from Ghostbusters.
But it got easier. People smiled back. A lot of people.
Weeks 4–8: Say “Hi”
Smiling worked… but I still wasn’t making friends. Then I realized: no one was going to start a conversation with me—I had to initiate.
So I came up with the smoothest, most sophisticated opener imaginable:
“Hi.”
Then I walked away. At least at first.
I’d look someone in the eye, smile, say “Hi,” and keep walking. Simple. Repeat. And it worked. People responded. Some added, “Hey, how’s it going?” Eventually, I started talking with classmates. By the end of the quarter, I had real friends—some of whom stuck with me through all four years.
Weeks 8–Now: Shut Up and Listen
Once I realized people liked me, 18 years of bottled-up words came pouring out. I talked.
A lot.
Gratifying for me. Tolerable for some. Exhausting for others.
Eventually, I lost a few connections. So I went back to basics:
- Look people in the eye
- Smile
- Say hi
- Shut up
I started practicing listening. Really listening. Not waiting to talk, not proving myself. Just being present. I realized most people love talking about themselves. And the best way to connect isn’t to impress—it’s to care.
To this day, I can spend 20 minutes asking questions, saying almost nothing, and the other person walks away thinking,
“What a great guy. We had such a deep conversation.”
How This Changed My Business—and My Life
Most of our gigs don’t land on the first contact. Or the second. Or even the third.
They come because we built a relationship. We stayed top-of-mind. When people think of us, we want them to feel something positive:
“That guy’s great. I’d love to work with him sometime.”
So when I follow up with an email days or weeks later, they want to respond. Because we’re not strangers. We’re friends.
The TED Test
Back to TED. If we go, the goal isn’t to give a pitch.
The goal is to make a friend.
If I call or email in two weeks, will they remember me—and want to talk again?
That’s the win.
Sales ≈ Dating ≈ Making Friends
Someone recently left a comment on Christine’s Self-Made blog post about sales that summed it up perfectly:
“Sales and dating are basically the same thing.”
And it’s true. Whether you’re pitching a service, going on a date, or networking at a conference—it all comes down to:
Can you make a real connection?
Your Turn: How Do You Connect?
What are your best tips for moving from small talk to real conversation?
How do you go from “Nice to meet you” to “Let’s stay in touch”?
Drop your ideas in the comments—I promise to read and reply to every single one. I’ve even added a “friendship subscription” form (thanks, Feedburner) if you want to hang out with us more often.
And if you liked this post, consider sharing it—Digg it, Reddit it, send it to a friend. Let’s keep the conversation going.
Oh—and by the way…
Will you be my friend? 😊